I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
You Might Also Like
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.