Crying is a sign of leakness.
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents