[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.