Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I feel seen
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.