“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please