The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?