Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Realize this:
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass