You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
eggs benadryl
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Always 🥴
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.