It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.