Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
peeping toms
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Just got to our Airbnb!
This headline is a thing of beauty
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE