“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?