“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?