Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Finally
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
want me to check your oil?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening