Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
the official breakfast of 2021
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe