The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
What’s so funny?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack