ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
saw this in a dream
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.