Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.