Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You Might Also Like
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
my proudest tweet
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.