snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.