If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You Might Also Like
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.