everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Getting married soon just need a spouse
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.