I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Nice try, NASA
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?