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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years