wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Hell yeah 👍
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?