I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”