Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.