COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You Might Also Like
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat