me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead