*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Venn
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I put the h in mysterious.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.