The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Not today. 😅
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.