New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.