Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
You Might Also Like
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Pretty much! 😂👀
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.