One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.