*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”