Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.