women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume