I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
want me to check your oil?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
i love meeting boys on tinder
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.