The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
You Might Also Like
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”