I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”