Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.