I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me