Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*aggressively waits in line*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.