Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.