[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.