Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
😂 amazing answer
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m already scared
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.