Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school