i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.