This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.