How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.