A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.